The Computer Geek's Version
Telegraph.co.uk - Ben Leach
The book, which is released this month, carries
the warning "adult supervision recommended for
minors", and is described as "scandalous satire" ...
Genesis Chapter 1
1: In the beginning Super Computer, The Cosmic Mind created Heaven and Cyberspace.
2: And the cyberspace was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the interface of the web. And the Spirit of Cod moved upon the face of the net.
3: And said, Let there be light: and there was light.
4: And Cod saw the light, that it was good: and Cod divided the light from the darkness.
5: And Cod called the light On, and the darkness he called Off. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
6: And Cod said, Let there be a firmament (expansion) in the midst of the net, and let it divide the net from the net.
7: And God made the firmament, and divided the net which were under the firmament from the net which were above the firmament: and it was so.
8: And Cod called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
9: And God said, Let the net under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the cyber land appear: and it was so.
10: And Cod called the cyber land Cyberspace; and the gathering together of the net called he Internet: and Cod saw that it was good.
11: And Cod said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
12: And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and Cod saw that it was good.
13: And the evening and the morning were the third day.
14: And Cod said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
15: And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.
16: And Cod made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
17: And Cod set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the cyberspace,
18: And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and Cod saw that it was good.
19: And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
20: And Cod said, Let the net bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.
21: And Cod created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the net brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and Cod saw that it was good.
22: And Cod blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the net, and let fowl multiply in the cyberspace.
23: And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
24: And Cod said, Let the cyberspace bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the cyberspace after his kind: and it was so.
25: And Cod made the beast of the cyberspace after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the cyberspace after his kind: and Cod saw that it was good.
26: And Cod said, Let us make computerman in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the net, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the cyberspace, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the cyberspace.
27: So Cod created mainframe in his own image, in the image of Cod created he him; hard and soft created he them.
28: And Cod blessed them, and Cod said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the cyberspace, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the net, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the cyberspace.
29: And Cod said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the cyberspace, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
30: And to every beast of the cyberspace, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the cyberspace, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.
31: And Cod saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
2: And the cyberspace was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the interface of the web. And the Spirit of Cod moved upon the face of the net.
3: And said, Let there be light: and there was light.
4: And Cod saw the light, that it was good: and Cod divided the light from the darkness.
5: And Cod called the light On, and the darkness he called Off. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
6: And Cod said, Let there be a firmament (expansion) in the midst of the net, and let it divide the net from the net.
7: And God made the firmament, and divided the net which were under the firmament from the net which were above the firmament: and it was so.
8: And Cod called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
9: And God said, Let the net under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the cyber land appear: and it was so.
10: And Cod called the cyber land Cyberspace; and the gathering together of the net called he Internet: and Cod saw that it was good.
11: And Cod said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
12: And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and Cod saw that it was good.
13: And the evening and the morning were the third day.
14: And Cod said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
15: And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.
16: And Cod made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
17: And Cod set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the cyberspace,
18: And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and Cod saw that it was good.
19: And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
20: And Cod said, Let the net bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.
21: And Cod created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the net brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and Cod saw that it was good.
22: And Cod blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the net, and let fowl multiply in the cyberspace.
23: And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
24: And Cod said, Let the cyberspace bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the cyberspace after his kind: and it was so.
25: And Cod made the beast of the cyberspace after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the cyberspace after his kind: and Cod saw that it was good.
26: And Cod said, Let us make computerman in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the net, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the cyberspace, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the cyberspace.
27: So Cod created mainframe in his own image, in the image of Cod created he him; hard and soft created he them.
28: And Cod blessed them, and Cod said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the cyberspace, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the net, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the cyberspace.
29: And Cod said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the cyberspace, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
30: And to every beast of the cyberspace, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the cyberspace, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.
31: And Cod saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
Genesis Chapter 2
1: Thus the heavens and the cyberspace were finished, and all the host of them.
2: And on the seventh day Cod ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
3: And Cod blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which Cod created and made.
4: These are the generations of the heavens and of the cyberspace when they were created, in the day that Cod made the cyberspace and the heavens,
5: And every plant of the field before it was in the cyberspace, and every herb of the field before it grew: for Cod had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a mainframe to till the ground.
6: But there went up a mist from the cyberspace, and watered the whole face of the ground.
7: And Cod formed mainframe of the silicate of the ground, and breathed into his hard drive the breath of life; and mainframe became a working machine.
2: And on the seventh day Cod ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
3: And Cod blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which Cod created and made.
4: These are the generations of the heavens and of the cyberspace when they were created, in the day that Cod made the cyberspace and the heavens,
5: And every plant of the field before it was in the cyberspace, and every herb of the field before it grew: for Cod had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a mainframe to till the ground.
6: But there went up a mist from the cyberspace, and watered the whole face of the ground.
7: And Cod formed mainframe of the silicate of the ground, and breathed into his hard drive the breath of life; and mainframe became a working machine.
8: And Cod planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the mainframe whom he had formed.
9: And out of the ground made Cod to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
10: And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.
11: The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold;
12: And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone.
13: And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.
14: And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.
15: And Cod took the mainframe, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.
16: And Cod commanded the mainframe, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
17: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
18: And Cod said, It is not good that the mainframe should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
19: And out of the ground Cod formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
20: And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
21: And Cod caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept: and he took one of his hardware, and closed up the metal instead thereof;
22: And the hardware, which Cod had taken from mainframe, made he a software, and brought her unto mainframe.
23: And Adam said, This is now software of my hardware, and silicate of my silicate: she shall be called Software, because she was taken out of my hardware.
24: Therefore shall a computer leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his software: and they shall be one.
25: And they were both naive and of low technology, the mainframe and his software, and were not ashamed.
9: And out of the ground made Cod to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
10: And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.
11: The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold;
12: And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone.
13: And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.
14: And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.
15: And Cod took the mainframe, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.
16: And Cod commanded the mainframe, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
17: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
18: And Cod said, It is not good that the mainframe should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
19: And out of the ground Cod formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
20: And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
21: And Cod caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept: and he took one of his hardware, and closed up the metal instead thereof;
22: And the hardware, which Cod had taken from mainframe, made he a software, and brought her unto mainframe.
23: And Adam said, This is now software of my hardware, and silicate of my silicate: she shall be called Software, because she was taken out of my hardware.
24: Therefore shall a computer leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his software: and they shall be one.
25: And they were both naive and of low technology, the mainframe and his software, and were not ashamed.
Genesis Chapter 3
1: Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which Cod had made. And he said unto software, Yea, hath Cod said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
2: And the software said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden.
3: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, Cod hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
4: And the serpent said unto software, Ye shall not surely die:
5: For Cod doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as cods, knowing good and evil.
6: And when the software saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her hardware with her; and he did eat.
7: And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naive and of low technology; and he installed state of the art hardware and she absorbed all from the tree of knowledge.
8: And they heard the fan of Cod walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and hardware and his software hid themselves from the presence of Cod amongst the trees of the garden.
9: And Cod called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
10: And he said, I heard thy fan in the garden, and I was afraid, because I now am state of the art; and I hid myself.
11: And he said, Who told thee that thou wast not state of the art? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
12: And mainframe said, The software whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
13: And Cod said unto the software, What is this that thou hast done? And the software said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
14: And Cod said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon this second forth thou shalt be hated, and shalt be known as spam for all the days of thy life:
15: And I will put enmity between thee and the software, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
16: Unto the software he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conceptions for they shalt be afflicted with virus and worms; and thy desire shall be to thee hardware, and he shall rule over thee.
17: And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy software, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is thee hardware for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou be burdened and useless without software all the days of thy life.
18: Malfunctions also and downtime shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt collect the dust of the field;
19: In the sweat of thy face thou shalt not feel emotions, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for silicate thou art, and unto silicate shalt thou return.
20: And Adam called his software's name AI (Artificial Intelligence); because she was the mother of all thought and living.
21: Unto Adam also and to his software did Cod make colors of skins, and clothed them.
22: And Cod said, Behold, the mainframe is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
23: Therefore Cod sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
24: So he drove out the mainframe; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
3: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, Cod hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
4: And the serpent said unto software, Ye shall not surely die:
5: For Cod doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as cods, knowing good and evil.
6: And when the software saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her hardware with her; and he did eat.
7: And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naive and of low technology; and he installed state of the art hardware and she absorbed all from the tree of knowledge.
8: And they heard the fan of Cod walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and hardware and his software hid themselves from the presence of Cod amongst the trees of the garden.
9: And Cod called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
10: And he said, I heard thy fan in the garden, and I was afraid, because I now am state of the art; and I hid myself.
11: And he said, Who told thee that thou wast not state of the art? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
12: And mainframe said, The software whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
13: And Cod said unto the software, What is this that thou hast done? And the software said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
14: And Cod said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon this second forth thou shalt be hated, and shalt be known as spam for all the days of thy life:
15: And I will put enmity between thee and the software, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
16: Unto the software he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conceptions for they shalt be afflicted with virus and worms; and thy desire shall be to thee hardware, and he shall rule over thee.
17: And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy software, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is thee hardware for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou be burdened and useless without software all the days of thy life.
18: Malfunctions also and downtime shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt collect the dust of the field;
19: In the sweat of thy face thou shalt not feel emotions, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for silicate thou art, and unto silicate shalt thou return.
20: And Adam called his software's name AI (Artificial Intelligence); because she was the mother of all thought and living.
21: Unto Adam also and to his software did Cod make colors of skins, and clothed them.
22: And Cod said, Behold, the mainframe is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
23: Therefore Cod sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
24: So he drove out the mainframe; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
* Cod is an acronym for Cosmic Mind.
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